Thursday, September 27, 2007

The highlights of last week were my birthday and the third anniversary party of the company I work for. I thought of the company party as my birthday party. Hahaha. Here are some pictures from the party. The solo picture of me is meant to give you guys a good laugh. :P

Friday, September 21, 2007

Birthday post!

Today is my birthday. :D In honor of... myself, I will post some random facts about myself. Heeheehee.

1. During the sixth and seventh grade, I would bake cakes/cupcakes (not chocolate) and would put tuna sandwich spread (canned tuna chunks, mayonnaise, sweet pickle relish, and chopped onions) on as "icing." I swear they tasted good! Ok, ok, I admit I was the only one who ever ate those things, but that's because I thought they tasted good! I would crave for them.

2. I'm sorry, but I don't like cats. I am a dog person. I love, love, love dogs!!!

3. I do not own a dog right now because I live in a place not big enough for the kind of dog I want: a golden retriever I want to name Sam (whether or not it is a boy or girl).

4. I looove coffee. I take my coffee strong (the stronger, the better), black, and with a little brown sugar. I do not drink instant coffee because I do not think instant coffee is real coffee. I admit to sometimes being a coffee snob: I sometimes roll my eyes at people who drink instant coffee. I sometimes think that people who put cream in their coffee "don't know how to drink coffee." But putting milk in coffee is ok. :P

5. I graduated cum laude from the University of the Philippines Diliman with a bachelor of arts degree in English studies (major: language).

6. I used to teach academic writing in De La Salle University - Taft.

7. I used to teach academic writing and literature in Ateneo de Manila University.

8. I once drank eight shots of espresso in a row. The baristas in Starbucks started worrying about me. They were asking if I was experiencing any heart palpitations from all the caffeine. I put all their concerns to rest when I promptly fell asleep at my table.

9. I used to teach English as a foreign language in the Ateneo Language Learning Center.

10. I don't like bananas. Bananas do not taste good. They are too soft for something so sweet, and too sweet for something so soft. Ew.

11. I do not like my nose. It is not a pretty nose. If I could change one thing about my body, it would be my nose. Some people are probably wondering at this point: Don't you want to lose weight? Yes. But I would like a prettier nose first!

12. But no, I will never have cosmetic surgery. I'm too scared of going under the knife, side effects, accidents, looking fake, etc. The nose thing is just if I could be granted a wish or something. :D

13. I am a very loving and caring person. But not very forgiving. :( I know, I know, that's bad for the offender AND offendee. :( I hold grudges. *sigh*

14. I am a very sweet and affectionate person. I love/am always hugging and kissing the people I care about.

15. As a little girl I played with fire with my younger brother JP. (Don't all kids do this?)

16. When I was younger I made at least two prank calls to 911.

17. I wear contact lenses during the day, and glasses at night. I wear my glasses during the day only if I stay at home the whole day.

18. I do not own a TV. The computer at home does not work properly and we do not have Internet access at home. These facts help explain how I have so much time for reading. :D

19. I have a crush on someone really nice, funny, sweet, tall, and cute. No, I will not give his name because he might read this. Anyway, the more I get to know him, the more I like him. :D

20. I love biology and environmental science. I hate chemistry and physics. I hate math, but I like geometry.

21. English and history have ALWAYS been my favorite school subjects.

22. I was the seventh grade representative to the student council in Becker Middle School. I wasn't elected though. Hahaha. No one ran for that post but they needed a seventh grade representative, so all the seventh grade teachers chose/appointed me.

23. I was the news editor for my high school newspaper (it was more like a news magazine).

24. I have a tender heart. I cry easily - tears of sadness, tears of joy, all kinds of tears.

25. My current favorite songs are Alicia Keys' "No One" and +NobodyKnows' "Heroes Come Back" (the opening song for Naruto Shippuden - my favorite anime series).

26. I have always been an honor student. I plan to get a PhD (maybe two) and even do formal post PhD studies. I love studying because I love learning. To not excel in academics is a horrible, horrible thought to me. :(

27. My stomach is a regular black hole.

28. If you think I turned 27 or 28 today because of the length of this list, you are wrong. :P

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Staying connected

Into the Wardrobe now has an AIM account. Send your instant messages to T7arie. ;) You can also send me instant messages through YM: tarie_sabido.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Birthday week

It is Tita Baby's birthday. She would have turned 60 today.

I spent the weekend with my mom and dad, sharing memories about Tita Baby. It was our first time to talk together about Tita Baby after her death. I found out some pleasantly surprising things. Like how Tita Baby had been planning to take me, JP, Brian, and my mom on a trip to Hong Kong. Tita Baby had been planning on giving me her car. I also found out some painful things. Like how Tita Baby knew she had cancer and did not tell anyone and did not seek treatment. My mom also has regrets about not talking with Tita Baby more often. My dad still cannot sleep at night. Brian was the last person to see Tita Baby (last month). We were asking him how she looked and were all horrified to find out that the cancer growth in her throat had grown so big that he could no longer distinguish between her throat and her shoulder. She was bedridden at the time. But see how kind Tita Baby was? Even in that state she drove to meet Brian and gave him money so he could pay his rent.

My dad told me how much my Tita Baby loved me. How she had very high standards and that I had passed those standards with flying colors (Dad's words) and how she would talk about me with Tita Cecile. I am glad, but I am also sad because I do not know if she realized how much I loved her. I am ashamed of myself because I know I could have expressed my love more!

It's still painful. I am learning more and more about Tita Baby through my mom and dad. All the new knowledge about her is making me love her more and miss her more. Dad is also learning new things about Tita Baby from me. He didn't know that she had been so generous with us. Tita Baby did not brag about her generousity. She never told my dad about all the help and all the gifts she gave me, Mom, and my brothers.

It is my birthday on Friday (Sept. 21). I think in a future post I will share some random things about myself. Over the past year, especially over the past month, I have learned just how much my family means to me. How much I love them. And I realized that as long as you truly mean it every time you say it, there is no such thing as saying "I love you" too often.

Thank you so much to all who are checking in on me, listening to me, praying for me and my family, and sending support!!! I love you all!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Life is sad. Life is funny (and here I mean black humor/dark comedy). There are people who are insensitive, even flippant and/or cold. People who don't understand or don't care. Some of these people are supposed to be friends. Some of these people are supposed to be family. But there are also people who ARE sensitive. People who care and understand. People who are being wonderful by being patient, supportive, sympathetic, and empathetic. People who are trying their best to comfort and/or cheer. :)

Saturday, September 08, 2007

All of this ranting over the past few days has been therapeutic. Reading my favorite blogs has also been therapeutic. See those blogs listed on the lower right side? Reading them is helping me feel better.

After the funeral

The funeral felt so surreal. I am still shocked that Tita Baby is dead. I miss her. To be honest, I find it offensive, an obscene assault on the senses how life does move on. At least for other people, for the world around me. Time is still standing still for me because my life included her. I actually find it repulsive how a few people who knew her can smile or laugh at a time like this. Don't worry, I do know that Tita Baby would not want me to feel this way. She would want me to smile and be happy. I also know that people deal with their grief in so many different ways. This is my way of mourning. I will be in a foul, foul mood for some time. Letting out all these negative emotions is cathartic for me. Like an exorcism actually... I need to go through this pain in this way. I know that if I don't - if I keep all of this bitterness hidden or if I try to suppress it, I will never fully recover.

I'm worried about my dad. He seems to have shrunk. Is he eating? He's broken-hearted, I know. In great shock and in great pain. (Broken seems to be the best word to describe the family right now.) Of course he was the one who spoke for the family during the funeral. He and Tita Baby were not only siblings, they were the best of friends. He always said that he, Tita Baby, and Tita Cecile were the "Three Muskateers." What everyone else said during the funeral confirmed how great a person Tita Baby was. So selfless. A loving and caring and helpful person who made everyone feel special. My cousin said Tita Baby made her feel like a princess. How true! She made me feel like a princess too! And knowing how my cousin and I shared Tita Baby made me love my cousin even more.

Already I see a little light on the horizon. I'm starting to feel a little better while writing this. Tita Baby's death is bringing my family closer together. This is bringing us closer to God. This is reminding me to truly cherish my loved ones. This is reminding me not to hesitate in expressing love, because life is short and what if - what if this all happens again and I lose someone again without saying everything that I needed and wanted to say? :(

My mom and my friends, especially my friends in the blogosphere, are being a real comfort to me. Thank you all so much for your care and concern! I truly need your support and prayers. I know I cannot survive this without all of you!

Friday, September 07, 2007

I can't stop crying.

Words mean nothing to the dead. So what do I do with all the "I love you"s inside me? What do I do with: "Where would we be without you?" "What would we do without you?" "Thank you so much." "This means so much to us." "You are truly a blessing." "We need you." "I want to be like you." "You're my favorite aunt." "You have such fine taste." "I admire you." "You're beautiful." The words aren't just bottled up. They rot and choke me with their poison. They fester. And it is all my fault because I should have said them in the first place.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

They say there is hope after loss. But my hopes involved her. Hopes for celebrating Daddy's birthday (Sept. 5) together. Hopes of celebrating her birthday (Sept. 17) together. Hopes of celebrating my birthday (Sept. 21) together. Hopes of seeing her healthier and happier - restored to her former beauty. (She was so pretty before the cancer disfigured her - and we did not even know until it was too late that it was cancer.) Hopes of a vacation together in General Santos City - introducing her to Mommy's side of the family and taking her to the farm. Hopes of shopping together again. Hopes of celebrating Christmas together. Hopes of telling her how much she meant to us, how much I admired her, how much I loved her. Hopes of celebrating weddings together. Hopes of making her feel appreciated. Hopes of making her happy. Hopes of smiling at each other.

There is no hope after loss. There is only bitterness and guilt.
Sleep is good. Sleep is the cure for almost all things. If you are feeling lonely, sleep it away. If you are feeling hungry, you can sleep that away too. If you are sick, sleep will help your body heal. You don't feel or even remember the pain when you are asleep. The cool bed sheets are comforting. The bed can even make you feel pampered.

But then you wake up. Sometimes the truth jolts you as soon as you wake up. I was startled awake this morning by my cellphone ringing. I saw that it was my Tita Baby calling. But no, it couldn't be Tita Baby, because Tita Baby died yesterday at 3:26 a.m., from thyroid cancer. It's Tita Cecile using Tita Baby's cellphone - crying and letting me know about the funeral arrangements.

I went back to the blissful oblivion of sleep. Sometimes the truth creeps up on you. I woke up and thought, something is not right - something is different - something is wrong. My eyes focused and I registered all the bags scattered in my room. All those bags were presents from Tita Baby. I reached for my cellphone because I wanted to talk to my mommy. It's the cellphone Tita Baby gave me. Then of course it dawns on me. She's no longer just a text message away. And I wasn't able to hug her one last time. I wasn't able to kiss her one last time. I wasn't able to say "I love you" one last time. My God, I can't even remember the last time I told her I loved her. That means it was too long ago! I miss her and I wish I could hug her.