Saturday, September 08, 2007

After the funeral

The funeral felt so surreal. I am still shocked that Tita Baby is dead. I miss her. To be honest, I find it offensive, an obscene assault on the senses how life does move on. At least for other people, for the world around me. Time is still standing still for me because my life included her. I actually find it repulsive how a few people who knew her can smile or laugh at a time like this. Don't worry, I do know that Tita Baby would not want me to feel this way. She would want me to smile and be happy. I also know that people deal with their grief in so many different ways. This is my way of mourning. I will be in a foul, foul mood for some time. Letting out all these negative emotions is cathartic for me. Like an exorcism actually... I need to go through this pain in this way. I know that if I don't - if I keep all of this bitterness hidden or if I try to suppress it, I will never fully recover.

I'm worried about my dad. He seems to have shrunk. Is he eating? He's broken-hearted, I know. In great shock and in great pain. (Broken seems to be the best word to describe the family right now.) Of course he was the one who spoke for the family during the funeral. He and Tita Baby were not only siblings, they were the best of friends. He always said that he, Tita Baby, and Tita Cecile were the "Three Muskateers." What everyone else said during the funeral confirmed how great a person Tita Baby was. So selfless. A loving and caring and helpful person who made everyone feel special. My cousin said Tita Baby made her feel like a princess. How true! She made me feel like a princess too! And knowing how my cousin and I shared Tita Baby made me love my cousin even more.

Already I see a little light on the horizon. I'm starting to feel a little better while writing this. Tita Baby's death is bringing my family closer together. This is bringing us closer to God. This is reminding me to truly cherish my loved ones. This is reminding me not to hesitate in expressing love, because life is short and what if - what if this all happens again and I lose someone again without saying everything that I needed and wanted to say? :(

My mom and my friends, especially my friends in the blogosphere, are being a real comfort to me. Thank you all so much for your care and concern! I truly need your support and prayers. I know I cannot survive this without all of you!

2 comments:

Kerrie said...

I SO know what you mean!
I've lived through a few losses and it felt so wrong to do everyday things. People around me seemed blurred, moving in some parallel universe.
I remember wanting to shout "How can you act so normal, so blase? You should know that a beautiful soul that made this a better place isn't here!"
My life did go on and the pain subsided but there are still times that I feel almost guilty that it doesn't ache like it first did.
Then I remind myself that God is good, that He has a plan even if it makes no sense to me, and I accept his His comfort.
It's hard now, but lots of people understand.(((hugs)))

Tarie said...

Kerrie!!! Thank you so much for understanding! I feel such relief knowing that someone understands what I am going through/what I am writing about. *tight hug*